self-edit and continuation
i know i should probably feel guiltier about being so damn happy, but i don’t. not one bit.
things that are currently going wrong:
- elgar
- beethoven
- sleeping
- my myspace will not be deleted, goddamn!!!
things that are currently going right:
- friends
- brahms
- seth
the elgar cello concerto. one of my great passions, yet my bane in many ways. technically speaking, the piece (specifically the first movement) is not very hard. the real problem is using the music to express what you are currently feeling. to me, the concerto is a heartbreak in 4 steps. misery, hope, depression, triumphant rage. my heart and body understand this expression. however, my fingers refuse to do my thoughts justice. it frustrates me and that makes me play it worse. i will not make a fool of myself in this concerto competition. i have not forced myself this hard and this far to be my own downfall. i WILL play it the way it deserves to played. jacqueline.
tired and needing sleep. missing seth. oddly, really missing him. this is just so surprising. i just feel like….wow. he is amazing and he likes me? this is insane. i really like him. yea. tess said we could be music nerds together. haha. and honestly? i would like nothing better.
in columbus for the day and night for percussion convention. planning on partying it up with my fellows orchestra nerds.
it solves everything.
ok ok. i lied. i lied to everyone including myself. i really like this guy way more than i said. really, genuinely care for him as a person. i have smiled more in the past week than i have in the past year.
seth is wonderful. somewhere along the way, i must’ve done something for this karmic payback.
going along for the ride and enjoying every second of it. how could i not?
did that really happen?
it’s blue skies today,
the sun smiles upon my face,
i smile in wonder.
living your life the way you want to live it is an amazing feeling.
i am happy. genuinely happy for the first time in months and months. it’s about time that i went for what i want. and i’m happy that what i want, wants me back.
my face hurts from smiling.
i can’t find the words to tell you.
how come opportunities come along when you aren’t looking for them? or don’t want them at all? is this an opportunity or just a distraction? i just don’t understand. were you waiting for your time or did this just come out of nowhere?
here is how i feel:
- i don’t want a boyfriend. at least not a new one.
- boys are much more confusing than girls.
- i don’t mind the flirting.
- i don’t mind the idea of kissing you.
- i do mind where you think it will go.
and furthermore. i am just coming off of something huge. GIANT. something i didn’t want to end. did you expect to have me welcome you with open arms? because i won’t.
currently, i really like this whole “i answer to no one” stuff. i like not waiting on someone who doesn’t come through. i like not being disappointed by anyone but myself. because I control it.
maturity, right? depending on yourself. standing up for yourself. saying “no, it’s not ok for you to treat me like this”. honestly, the second i got a taste of this whole confidence thing, i have become such a confidence lush. those people who don’t respect you? once they figure out you’re drinking the confidence juice they back off.
but still. i’m so confused by this whole male issue.
life is love or a lack thereof
honestly:
- i am deleting my myspace page.
- i am dealing with conflicting emotions.
- i am currently very impatient. though i almost just wrote unpatient.
- i am really am a writing tutor.
- i am happy to be by myself right at this moment.
- i am really confused about everything. lovelife? new people? friendship or more?
do i wait? do i stay patient for the one word?
the answer? i need the validation that what i have done is the right thing. because i sure as hell am having some issues validating it myself.
when it comes to fucking things up, should you go all out or only halfway fuck it up?
influenza
who should i be angry with? myself? or the person who wouldn’t fight for me?
and i think about it for hours……and if he had said one word…..i wouldn’t have been able to do it.
i still can’t believe i did.
i just desperately need to know that i haven’t ruined everything.
also:
i am sick. honestly sick. my emotions have fucked with my immune system enough so that i have honestly caught something. i feel like death.
what the hell is wrong with me?
oh oh….why did you do it?
he deleted me from his myspace. stupid….i know. but still, ouch.
sick. very sick.
how is it that everyone is proud of me for standing up for myself and i just feel like i’m missing something?
one foot in front of the other. i just have to keep walking. it will get easier. right?
