house cleaning
i have been cleansing my computer. pictures. files. sweet nothings. things that make me feel sick.
and for the first time, i am angry. i wasn’t angry before…..i was hurt, upset, frustrated. and now? now i feel rage. this is what i built? this is what three years of my life looks like? i dedicated so much and this is what i have to show for it. empty promises and pictures masking real hurt. i am looking at these pictures and remembering how i felt when they were taken. i look happy, but i remember feeling hurt.
formal. we were late. he wouldn’t dance. he sat in a corner and talked to no one. i forced him to take a picture.
new year’s. he got drunk and decided to walk upstairs and talk to my family. i was upset at the immaturity. i worked all day to make the basement look nice and got no recognition.
it pisses me off that the best i could do was a failure. the most effort you could make was letting me do all the work? that isn’t a relationship, that’s bullshit.
and the things i am hearing. i left you so you could get your life together, NOT so you could fucking drink more and forget it.
i got out in time. i will not let someone’s stagnant dreams push my own aside. i have goals and i wasn’t going to let you stand in my fucking way.
if you check this: grow up. put down the bottle and think about what the fuck you’re doing with your life. i won’t be friends with a drifter. i will be ashamed. build a life. get out of that house. you are becoming someone you claim to despise.
i am moving on from our car crash. i suggest you do the same before the flames engulf you.
undated updated
ahhh….it has been weeks.
semester is nearly finished. here is what i have accomplished:
- played some amazing cello
- worked my butt off
- studied like crazy
- untied the cinder block that was drowning me
- found my missing wings
here are my goals for winter break:
- make enough to pay off my credit card
- take a freaking breather
- practice
- play beautifully and thoughtfully, focusing on my tone and musicality. while playing scales.
- learn 1 and 3 of beethoven. like a champ.
i have been just thinking about where i could be right now. i could be at the same place i was months ago. miserable, worrying about someone else’s happiness before my own. scared of my life and where it was going. or the lack of movement. the stagnance of my life and its components was terrifying. my heart was tired and my spirit was dimming.
and now i am here. my playing is better than it has ever been. i have goals. plural. i have opportunities because of my hard work and determination. i am moving forward in life instead of standing still. and i have support. i have someone that i have been dreaming about for a long time. and he was dreaming about me. i haven’t been so happy in such a long time….i almost forgot what joy feels like.
finals, break, spring semester, festival auditions, apprenticing for teaching.
looking to the future, i am refusing to look so far back.
