stellar
the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
the future is so bright.
chubbie bunnie
my “i love you” is floating around my relationship like the most awkward cloud.
beyond words.
i am impressed with my own ability to stay calm.
i asked him if he was joking when he said he was in love with me. pressed the issue. he’s not comfortable with it. he doesn’t want to say something preemptively. he doesn’t want to be tricked or goaded into anything.
fine. so, i laid it on the line. don’t know where i found the strength or courage to stand there and not let my voice break. told him i loved him and that it’d be nice if he’d eventually love me back.
he flipped. not yelling. sputtering. at a loss for words.
basically, i still don’t know where i stand. i must’ve have learned some strength recently to not fall apart.
i still can’t believe i even said it.
je ne pense pas
so.
it’s been a week and i am STILL a coward. seriously. i am strangling the words in my throat because i am too flipping scared of the trouble they might get me in. of course, i know how wonderful the result could be, but the bad is just too much to bear.
and of course, we all know what will happen. i will be saying those three lovely, gut-wrenching, world ending, wonderful words at the most inopportune time. like, over the phone as he is hanging up. he will hear a faint “……love you” in the background as his phone goes *click*.
god, i’m neurotic.
in other news. i am blindly and frantically applying to summer festivals. one can assume that i will not be accepted because, let’s face it, compared to many other collegiate musicians, i really suck. but i will continue to barrel on as though i am halfway decent and can make a living out of playing music.
one is in texas, the other in vermont. i probably won’t even be able to afford travel expenses. two tickets please, one for me and one for my big ass chellah.
back to school. back to focus. back to some motivating factors in my life.
i am the worst self starter on the face of the planet. someone slap me please.
seriously, i AM going to tell him.
AGHH.
pessimism is the new optimism.
or is it that optimism is the new fatalism?
here is a rather curious thing. if you cannot express love (ie, the words are stillborn; you are too terrfied it’s unrequited; you are terrified it is returned; etc., etc.), does the love become null and void?
if you can’t say it, does it still mean anything?
i am currently operating under several delusions, none of which are particularly helpful and all of which are at least a little scary. if i were to write out my feelings, i would simply be amazed that my body can contain so many emotions without exploding. therefore, i will refrain from doing so.
if you think you love someone but cannot say it, is it really love? or is it a lesser emotion?
and when i open my mouth to ask if it was a confession of love or a joke, i feel my thoughts race and my blood boiling. the words lay dead in the air, and i am the coward who gave them non-life.
if you don’t love me, do i have the courage to still admit it?
if you are joking, please stop.
if you are not, please say it again.
also, i am tired of using the word ‘if’. i don’t want my life to be in question and if i am living under that kind of illusion, i should get up the balls to just say something. instead, i am cowering and silencing the pounding pulse in my temple.
worrying and wondering is making me crazy.
why am i making this so complicated?
i love you.
