absconditus

or is it that optimism is the new fatalism?

here is a rather curious thing. if you cannot express love (ie, the words are stillborn; you are too terrfied it’s unrequited; you are terrified it is returned; etc., etc.), does the love become null and void?

if you can’t say it, does it still mean anything?

i am currently operating under several delusions, none of which are particularly helpful and all of which are at least a little scary. if i were to write out my feelings, i would simply be amazed that my body can contain so many emotions without exploding. therefore, i will refrain from doing so.

if you think you love someone but cannot say it, is it really love? or is it a lesser emotion?

and when i open my mouth to ask if it was a confession of love or a joke, i feel my thoughts race and my blood boiling. the words lay dead in the air, and i am the coward who gave them non-life.

if you don’t love me, do i have the courage to still admit it?

if you are joking, please stop.

if you are not, please say it again.

also, i am tired of using the word ‘if’. i don’t want my life to be in question and if i am living under that kind of illusion, i should get up the balls to just say something. instead, i am cowering and silencing the pounding pulse in my temple.

worrying and wondering is making me crazy.

why am i making this so complicated?

i love you.