absconditus

my heart and my head simply do not agree. one says ‘you are worth more than this. don’t waste your time forever waiting.’ the other says ‘you love him and you know he loves you. you know there is a future if you can get through this rough patch. wait.’

my faith has wavered. no matter how much i will deny it, i am not sure what is going to happen any more. i keep giving and giving and talking and saying. and i have no idea where he stands. he won’t even say he loves me any more.

and in my heart, i know he loves and i know he wants to be with me. but my head says you cannot wait this out. you can’t convince him.

i don’t know what to do any more. i don’t if staying is helping or hurting. i don’t know if leaving will make him realize that he needs me or he doesn’t.  i have simply lost my true north.

what do i do?

i fold.

i deserve my mister darcy and i have decided to settle for nothing less. my life needs to be about making me happy. i don’t need to spend my days thinking about someone else’s happiness.

he is leading me on and i am sick of the game. you either love me or you don’t. you either want me or you don’t. i make you happy or i can’t. i am not playing anymore. this isn’t a game of chicken.

when you find your soulmate, they won’t need any convincing.  i guess this one, despite all the hope, just wasn’t it.

i’ll find him.