absconditus

ok.

my heart is set, my mind is not. the fact that my family and friends do not support whatever decision i make is so frustrating i want to scream.

i know what has happened. i know because it happened to me, not you. and this decision is mine, not yours.

there are still questions i need answers to.

• what will stop you from doing it again?
• do you love me enough to get over this fear?
• is this revelation enough?
• will you love me?

i need promises that you will not do the same thing again. promises that you will put everything forth that a relationship needs: love, support, laughter, friendship, trust, honesty, kindness, happiness. can you do that?

i don’t know if this wil be enough. i have no idea. why couldn’t this clarity happen months ago?

and furthermore, i am going to be furious if my friends don’t shut the hell up and listen to ME. it is my decision and as my friend, you need to support that decision or i will have no other choice but to discontinue confiding in you. i know what your feelings are and understand them; however, i know exactly what has happened and you have only seen glimpses. you do not know all. please stop talking and start listening.

if this is a new year, why can’t we have new perspective?

and here is a barrage of self-pity and self-loathing.

while i understand that you can and should be selfish, the irresponsibility i have exercised with someone else’s emotions is reprehensible. because i am hurting, it’s ok for someone else to hurt? even if i make it right, the scars will remain and this is my fault and lies on my guilty conscience.

i am currently confused. i know where i stand on the issue of another man.

however, as far as my “ex” goes, i have no idea what to do. his moment of clarity has come 2 months later than i needed. is this revelation enough to save it? or is it simply enough to break me further? he loves me, he wants to be with me, i am the one for him, he needs me. is it enough? or is it just inconvenient and too little too late?

i love him. i do. but i don’t know if that love is enough to save all of this. i don’t know if it is enough to fix all these hurts and all these problems.

it’s time to go have that tough conversation. i am dreadng it and my stomach feels that discomfort.

as for “the love of my life”……..i have no idea.