absconditus

every time i return home,

the specters of my mistakes,

leap from the shadows.

they skulk and claw.

they balk at my confusion.

every time i wander these roads,

i wonder how long it will be,

until they find me.

red and khaki. reminders of a long time ago. things i’d rather not deal with this break. roll on, roll out, bloggery, bloggery. whenever i come back, i wonder how long it will be before i cannot stay here anymore.

and i am a little worried. and i am a little scared. because i think i am falling too fast and i need to pull back. i am frightened of another 66% run in stead of a 50% one.

pish posh. back to work. back to the grind? bending my nose to the stone. whatev. cutting my hair tomorrow. hopefully looking better than i have been. and one wonders….do i look as bad to them as i look to myself?

perfection is in the eye of the beholder. as well as the angle of the mirror.

samuel barber has, for some time now, been one of my favorite composers. he falls closely behind brahms and shostakovich. however, i have not had the pleasure of exploring his music. i am intensely dedicated to his cello concerto and feel that the day i am given permission to play it will be a day of intense joy.

here’s the funny guy:

i’ve been reading a lil’, hoping that my sad obsession will prompt my mentor into allowing me to at least play his cello sonata (1932). i also fervently believe that i am meant to play his cello concerto(1945). the piece, to me, is one of the most texturely rich and beautiful scored modern concertos. the fact that i can hum to melody as i walk to class is surprsing in itself. however, the fact remains that this piece is one of the most technically difficult pieces in cello repetoire. therefore, it stands on the edges of our vision. the recordings are few and far between compared to other cello works. i am happy with my wendy warner, but i would like more. hopefully not yo-yo ma. while his recording also features the britten, i would prefer to listen to someone who masters only a single piece instead of everything in cello repetoire. possibly, this makes me a music snob. i greatly wish slava or matt had/would made/make a recording.

ah well. here is another thing that makes me love sammy so much. he wrote this at age nine.
“Dear Mother: I have written to tell you my worrying secret. Now don’t cry when you read it because it is neither yours nor my fault. I suppose I will have to tell it now, without any nonsense. To begin with I was not meant to be an athlete. I was meant to be a composer, and will be I’m sure. I’ll ask you one more thing .—Don’t ask me to try to forget this unpleasant thing and go play football.—Please—Sometimes I’ve been worrying about this so much that it makes me mad (not very).”

listen to the allegro e appassionato and you will understand.

also:

i would like a double string quartet to play the adagio at my funeral. thank you.

My lights creep along the horizon,
Til I crash onto this nightroad,
I ride alone on the first strains of morning.