drift
what i believe….what i believe.
i’m catching the drift. i am following the tide and floating on the breeze.
when we are little, we believe we will do great things. we will be artists, we will be singers, we will save the world, we will live happily ever after. why is it that we allow age to steal these dreams from us? is it that we learn new things? or is it that, as adults, we are forever pessimistic?
when i was little, i designed a fashion line. literally….i made a portfolio of say 50 designs. with colors and hairstyles and shoes specifically detailed. i was maybe 8 and i had big dreams. i was going to be a fashion designer and travel the world. and i would find a prince and live happily ever after.
and here i am, 21, a struggling musician trying to figure out how to make a living and have my happily ever after. and lately, i have been having the saddest thoughts. thoughts my 8 year old self wouldn’t understand and would be scared of.
do we have happily ever after? or do we just have ‘this is the best i can do’?
my 21 year old self knows full well that there are no princes and she has to make her own happy ending. but the little kid inside me is wondering what happened.
where did my big dreams go? i was going to be a fashion designer, then a famous artist, then a brilliant writer, then a beautiful singer, then a talented cellist, and now i am not sure which way i am going.
do i continue to let my dreams drift which way the wind will take them? or do i start a cyclone? do i barrel my way through life, like that little kid? what happened to that little kid that nothing scared?
i wonder……is this what i really want? do i really want to stop playing the cello? like i stopped singing. like i stopped writing. like i stopped drawing. can i ever truly stop myself from creating?
could i live the life of an executive? could i lead the orchestra without playing in it? could i live my life without feeling jealousy towards those that achieved what i couldn’t? or would i live in a constant state of envy?
the real question is:
do i love the music enough to let the talented do it justice?
and do i have the strength to accept the ending i create?
maybe little kids have something right. maybe there are real life princes and true happy endings. maybe the road to mine is just a little rockier than disney movies told my little kid self.
maybe disney movies are totally deluding our children and we should let them watch divorce court instead.
i hope i am on the road to finding my happy ending. i hope this prince is the right one.
if i drift…..do i still have the strength to believe?
