absconditus

the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

the future is so bright.

so.

it’s been a week and i am STILL a coward. seriously. i am strangling the words in my throat because i am too flipping scared of the trouble they might get me in. of course, i know how wonderful the result could be, but the bad is just too much to bear.

and of course, we all know what will happen. i will be saying those three lovely, gut-wrenching, world ending, wonderful words at the most inopportune time. like, over the phone as he is hanging up. he will hear a faint “……love you” in the background as his phone goes *click*.

god, i’m neurotic.

in other news. i am blindly and frantically applying to summer festivals. one can assume that i will not be accepted because, let’s face it, compared to many other collegiate musicians, i really suck. but i will continue to barrel on as though i am halfway decent and can make a living out of playing music.

one is in texas, the other in vermont. i probably won’t even be able to afford travel expenses. two tickets please, one for me and one for my big ass chellah.

back to school. back to focus. back to some motivating factors in my life.

i am the worst self starter on the face of the planet. someone slap me please.

seriously, i AM going to tell him.

AGHH.

or is it that optimism is the new fatalism?

here is a rather curious thing. if you cannot express love (ie, the words are stillborn; you are too terrfied it’s unrequited; you are terrified it is returned; etc., etc.), does the love become null and void?

if you can’t say it, does it still mean anything?

i am currently operating under several delusions, none of which are particularly helpful and all of which are at least a little scary. if i were to write out my feelings, i would simply be amazed that my body can contain so many emotions without exploding. therefore, i will refrain from doing so.

if you think you love someone but cannot say it, is it really love? or is it a lesser emotion?

and when i open my mouth to ask if it was a confession of love or a joke, i feel my thoughts race and my blood boiling. the words lay dead in the air, and i am the coward who gave them non-life.

if you don’t love me, do i have the courage to still admit it?

if you are joking, please stop.

if you are not, please say it again.

also, i am tired of using the word ‘if’. i don’t want my life to be in question and if i am living under that kind of illusion, i should get up the balls to just say something. instead, i am cowering and silencing the pounding pulse in my temple.

worrying and wondering is making me crazy.

why am i making this so complicated?

i love you.

ahhh….it has been weeks.

semester is nearly finished. here is what i have accomplished:

• played some amazing cello
• worked my butt off
• studied like crazy
• untied the cinder block that was drowning me
• found my missing wings

here are my goals for winter break:

• make enough to pay off my credit card
• take a freaking breather
• practice
• play beautifully and thoughtfully, focusing on my tone and musicality. while playing scales.
• learn 1 and 3 of beethoven. like a champ.

i have been just thinking about where i could be right now. i could be at the same place i was months ago. miserable, worrying about someone else’s happiness before my own. scared of my life and where it was going. or the lack of movement. the stagnance of my life and its components was terrifying. my heart was tired and my spirit was dimming.

and now i am here. my playing is better than it has ever been. i have goals. plural. i have opportunities because of my hard work and determination. i am moving forward in life instead of standing still. and i have support. i have someone that i have been dreaming about for a long time. and he was dreaming about me. i haven’t been so happy in such a long time….i almost forgot what joy feels like.

finals, break, spring semester, festival auditions, apprenticing for teaching.

looking to the future, i am refusing to look so far back.

before i forget. here is why i don’t feel bad about being happy.

1. how many chances did i give over 3 years? too many for that many disappointments.
2. i have been checked out since the break in april.
3. “second chances, they don’t ever matter, people never change”
4. i haven’t felt pretty since forever ago.
5. i became an expected rather than a cherished. i’m not something you deserve, i’m something to be earned and respected.
6. he couldn’t give me what i needed. when i first started asking for it, it was just a want. but the letdowns and dashed hopes turned my wants into needs. i needed to trust that he would come through. and he didn’t.
7. when i gave the chances, he threw them away.
8. i deserve to be happy with myself and my life. now that it’s done, i AM happier. i feel free.

that’s all. just jotting down before i lose my justification.

i know i should probably feel guiltier about being so damn happy, but i don’t. not one bit.

things that are currently going wrong:

• elgar
• beethoven
• sleeping
• my myspace will not be deleted, goddamn!!!

things that are currently going right:

• friends
• brahms
• seth

the elgar cello concerto. one of my great passions, yet my bane in many ways. technically speaking, the piece (specifically the first movement) is not very hard. the real problem is using the music to express what you are currently feeling. to me, the concerto is a heartbreak in 4 steps. misery, hope, depression, triumphant rage. my heart and body understand this expression. however, my fingers refuse to do my thoughts justice. it frustrates me and that makes me play it worse. i will not make a fool of myself in this concerto competition. i have not forced myself this hard and this far to be my own downfall. i WILL play it the way it deserves to played. jacqueline.

tired and needing sleep. missing seth. oddly, really missing him. this is just so surprising. i just feel like….wow. he is amazing and he likes me? this is insane. i really like him. yea. tess said we could be music nerds together. haha. and honestly? i would like nothing better.

in columbus for the day and night for percussion convention. planning on partying it up with my fellows orchestra nerds.

it’s blue skies today,

the sun smiles upon my face,

i smile in wonder.

living your life the way you want to live it is an amazing feeling.

i am happy. genuinely happy for the first time in months and months. it’s about time that i went for what i want. and i’m happy that what i want, wants me back.

my face hurts from smiling.

how come opportunities come along when you aren’t looking for them? or don’t want them at all? is this an opportunity or just a distraction? i just don’t understand. were you waiting for your time or did this just come out of nowhere?

here is how i feel:

• i don’t want a boyfriend. at least not a new one.
• boys are much more confusing than girls.
• i don’t mind the flirting.
• i don’t mind the idea of kissing you.
• i do mind where you think it will go.

and furthermore. i am just coming off of something huge. GIANT. something i didn’t want to end. did you expect to have me welcome you with open arms? because i won’t.

currently, i really like this whole “i answer to no one” stuff. i like not waiting on someone who doesn’t come through. i like not being disappointed by anyone but myself. because I control it.

maturity, right? depending on yourself. standing up for yourself. saying “no, it’s not ok for you to treat me like this”. honestly, the second i got a taste of this whole confidence thing, i have become such a confidence lush. those people who don’t respect you? once they figure out you’re drinking the confidence juice they back off.

but still. i’m so confused by this whole male issue.

honestly:

• i am deleting my myspace page.
• i am dealing with conflicting emotions.
• i am currently very impatient. though i almost just wrote unpatient.
• i am really am a writing tutor.
• i am happy to be by myself right at this moment.
• i am really confused about everything. lovelife? new people? friendship or more?

do i wait? do i stay patient for the one word?

the answer? i need the validation that what i have done is the right thing. because i sure as hell am having some issues validating it myself.

when it comes to fucking things up, should you go all out or only halfway fuck it up?