is romance dead?
honestly. perhaps this is something that i will never get to experience.
i have never been romanced. ever. and it isn’t something you should have to beg for. do men understand? women don’t just want to know that you love them. we want to know that you cherish us. you open the door, sure. but where is the candlelit dinner? the roses for no reason? just grabbing us and telling us how much you love us because you can’t keep it inside. where is that?
i want you to pull me into you while we fall asleep. i don’t want your butt snuggling up against mine. i want you to kiss me in the morning. like you’re as happy i’m there as i am to be there. i need that physical reminder that you want me there.
as a girl, i feel like i need to be reminded that you love me, you want me there, you think i am beautiful. because going through the everyday routine with me doesn’t prove that you love me. it proves that you put up with my presence.
take a chance. make a change. relationships are about loving and caring for another person and wanting to be the best for them.
i want a future of romance and passion and love. i want so much love in my life that i feel i will explode. don’t plan one without these things.
i want to love you and be with you…….but don’t assume my acceptance of your proposal. prove your need for me to.
i am so confused as to where i will be in the next few years. but i want you to be there.
chubbie bunnie
my “i love you” is floating around my relationship like the most awkward cloud.
beyond words.
i am impressed with my own ability to stay calm.
i asked him if he was joking when he said he was in love with me. pressed the issue. he’s not comfortable with it. he doesn’t want to say something preemptively. he doesn’t want to be tricked or goaded into anything.
fine. so, i laid it on the line. don’t know where i found the strength or courage to stand there and not let my voice break. told him i loved him and that it’d be nice if he’d eventually love me back.
he flipped. not yelling. sputtering. at a loss for words.
basically, i still don’t know where i stand. i must’ve have learned some strength recently to not fall apart.
i still can’t believe i even said it.
house cleaning
i have been cleansing my computer. pictures. files. sweet nothings. things that make me feel sick.
and for the first time, i am angry. i wasn’t angry before…..i was hurt, upset, frustrated. and now? now i feel rage. this is what i built? this is what three years of my life looks like? i dedicated so much and this is what i have to show for it. empty promises and pictures masking real hurt. i am looking at these pictures and remembering how i felt when they were taken. i look happy, but i remember feeling hurt.
formal. we were late. he wouldn’t dance. he sat in a corner and talked to no one. i forced him to take a picture.
new year’s. he got drunk and decided to walk upstairs and talk to my family. i was upset at the immaturity. i worked all day to make the basement look nice and got no recognition.
it pisses me off that the best i could do was a failure. the most effort you could make was letting me do all the work? that isn’t a relationship, that’s bullshit.
and the things i am hearing. i left you so you could get your life together, NOT so you could fucking drink more and forget it.
i got out in time. i will not let someone’s stagnant dreams push my own aside. i have goals and i wasn’t going to let you stand in my fucking way.
if you check this: grow up. put down the bottle and think about what the fuck you’re doing with your life. i won’t be friends with a drifter. i will be ashamed. build a life. get out of that house. you are becoming someone you claim to despise.
i am moving on from our car crash. i suggest you do the same before the flames engulf you.
