drift
what i believe….what i believe.
i’m catching the drift. i am following the tide and floating on the breeze.
when we are little, we believe we will do great things. we will be artists, we will be singers, we will save the world, we will live happily ever after. why is it that we allow age to steal these dreams from us? is it that we learn new things? or is it that, as adults, we are forever pessimistic?
when i was little, i designed a fashion line. literally….i made a portfolio of say 50 designs. with colors and hairstyles and shoes specifically detailed. i was maybe 8 and i had big dreams. i was going to be a fashion designer and travel the world. and i would find a prince and live happily ever after.
and here i am, 21, a struggling musician trying to figure out how to make a living and have my happily ever after. and lately, i have been having the saddest thoughts. thoughts my 8 year old self wouldn’t understand and would be scared of.
do we have happily ever after? or do we just have ‘this is the best i can do’?
my 21 year old self knows full well that there are no princes and she has to make her own happy ending. but the little kid inside me is wondering what happened.
where did my big dreams go? i was going to be a fashion designer, then a famous artist, then a brilliant writer, then a beautiful singer, then a talented cellist, and now i am not sure which way i am going.
do i continue to let my dreams drift which way the wind will take them? or do i start a cyclone? do i barrel my way through life, like that little kid? what happened to that little kid that nothing scared?
i wonder……is this what i really want? do i really want to stop playing the cello? like i stopped singing. like i stopped writing. like i stopped drawing. can i ever truly stop myself from creating?
could i live the life of an executive? could i lead the orchestra without playing in it? could i live my life without feeling jealousy towards those that achieved what i couldn’t? or would i live in a constant state of envy?
the real question is:
do i love the music enough to let the talented do it justice?
and do i have the strength to accept the ending i create?
maybe little kids have something right. maybe there are real life princes and true happy endings. maybe the road to mine is just a little rockier than disney movies told my little kid self.
maybe disney movies are totally deluding our children and we should let them watch divorce court instead.
i hope i am on the road to finding my happy ending. i hope this prince is the right one.
if i drift…..do i still have the strength to believe?
my list
1. i still believe
2. i think we can fix us
3. i love you
4. i miss you
5 i can do me without you….i just want you here
6. my bottom line. i cannot be with someone who is not 100%
7. i truly believe that you are just scared….but still 100%
8. i believe that i am scared
9. i believe you love me
10. i believe.
beautiful disaster
i don’t understand how someone can tell you they love you one day and then tell you they don’t know if they want to be with you the next.
love is a promise.
even if you lied, i didn’t.
i am absolutely heartbroken.
deja vu
the question that remains unanswered is this:
“do we repeat our relationships?”
am i continuing on in the same path as i was? is this the same person in a different body?
my problem is not with supporting and understanding. my problem is with the fact that i have had smoke blown up my ass for months. ‘everything will be better after my recital.’ lo and behold, here i stand, bringing up the rear again. do you want a few years where i just kind of hang out and let you do your thing? because if you want a committed, long-term relationship, i refuse to continue being last place. you’ve treated me like crap for the past few weeks because of your stress levels, but you have no regard and patience for mine. i cannot do this again. i cannot let someone take advantage of me and my time and my care while having no regard for me.
your neck hurt. i rub with with my retarded hands. where is the neck rub i was promised? i have tons of promised back rubs too. should i tally up and keep score? relationships are about giving……what are you giving me?
oh. and the reason i feel so ugly is that i have been having to pull your arm to even look at me. i sleep right next to you and you have shown no interest in me in a week. how the hell do you think i would feel?
don’t talk to me like i am fucking kid. the truth of the matter is that, as an adult, i know what i want in a relationship and i am going to fucking say it. i don’t care if it is too much for your sensitive self, i support what you do, but not the way you treat me when you do it.
i will not be someone’s background support system. i will either stand next to you or not at all. it is your choice.
is romance dead?
honestly. perhaps this is something that i will never get to experience.
i have never been romanced. ever. and it isn’t something you should have to beg for. do men understand? women don’t just want to know that you love them. we want to know that you cherish us. you open the door, sure. but where is the candlelit dinner? the roses for no reason? just grabbing us and telling us how much you love us because you can’t keep it inside. where is that?
i want you to pull me into you while we fall asleep. i don’t want your butt snuggling up against mine. i want you to kiss me in the morning. like you’re as happy i’m there as i am to be there. i need that physical reminder that you want me there.
as a girl, i feel like i need to be reminded that you love me, you want me there, you think i am beautiful. because going through the everyday routine with me doesn’t prove that you love me. it proves that you put up with my presence.
take a chance. make a change. relationships are about loving and caring for another person and wanting to be the best for them.
i want a future of romance and passion and love. i want so much love in my life that i feel i will explode. don’t plan one without these things.
i want to love you and be with you…….but don’t assume my acceptance of your proposal. prove your need for me to.
i am so confused as to where i will be in the next few years. but i want you to be there.
stellar
the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
the future is so bright.
chubbie bunnie
my “i love you” is floating around my relationship like the most awkward cloud.
beyond words.
i am impressed with my own ability to stay calm.
i asked him if he was joking when he said he was in love with me. pressed the issue. he’s not comfortable with it. he doesn’t want to say something preemptively. he doesn’t want to be tricked or goaded into anything.
fine. so, i laid it on the line. don’t know where i found the strength or courage to stand there and not let my voice break. told him i loved him and that it’d be nice if he’d eventually love me back.
he flipped. not yelling. sputtering. at a loss for words.
basically, i still don’t know where i stand. i must’ve have learned some strength recently to not fall apart.
i still can’t believe i even said it.
je ne pense pas
so.
it’s been a week and i am STILL a coward. seriously. i am strangling the words in my throat because i am too flipping scared of the trouble they might get me in. of course, i know how wonderful the result could be, but the bad is just too much to bear.
and of course, we all know what will happen. i will be saying those three lovely, gut-wrenching, world ending, wonderful words at the most inopportune time. like, over the phone as he is hanging up. he will hear a faint “……love you” in the background as his phone goes *click*.
god, i’m neurotic.
in other news. i am blindly and frantically applying to summer festivals. one can assume that i will not be accepted because, let’s face it, compared to many other collegiate musicians, i really suck. but i will continue to barrel on as though i am halfway decent and can make a living out of playing music.
one is in texas, the other in vermont. i probably won’t even be able to afford travel expenses. two tickets please, one for me and one for my big ass chellah.
back to school. back to focus. back to some motivating factors in my life.
i am the worst self starter on the face of the planet. someone slap me please.
seriously, i AM going to tell him.
AGHH.
pessimism is the new optimism.
or is it that optimism is the new fatalism?
here is a rather curious thing. if you cannot express love (ie, the words are stillborn; you are too terrfied it’s unrequited; you are terrified it is returned; etc., etc.), does the love become null and void?
if you can’t say it, does it still mean anything?
i am currently operating under several delusions, none of which are particularly helpful and all of which are at least a little scary. if i were to write out my feelings, i would simply be amazed that my body can contain so many emotions without exploding. therefore, i will refrain from doing so.
if you think you love someone but cannot say it, is it really love? or is it a lesser emotion?
and when i open my mouth to ask if it was a confession of love or a joke, i feel my thoughts race and my blood boiling. the words lay dead in the air, and i am the coward who gave them non-life.
if you don’t love me, do i have the courage to still admit it?
if you are joking, please stop.
if you are not, please say it again.
also, i am tired of using the word ‘if’. i don’t want my life to be in question and if i am living under that kind of illusion, i should get up the balls to just say something. instead, i am cowering and silencing the pounding pulse in my temple.
worrying and wondering is making me crazy.
why am i making this so complicated?
i love you.
