when will the future clarify?

December 31, 2008 at 9:06 pm (Uncategorized)

ok.

my heart is set, my mind is not. the fact that my family and friends do not support whatever decision i make is so frustrating i want to scream.

i know what has happened. i know because it happened to me, not you. and this decision is mine, not yours.

there are still questions i need answers to.

  • what will stop you from doing it again?
  • do you love me enough to get over this fear?
  • is this revelation enough?
  • will you love me?

i need promises that you will not do the same thing again. promises that you will put everything forth that a relationship needs: love, support, laughter, friendship, trust, honesty, kindness, happiness. can you do that?

i don’t know if this wil be enough. i have no idea. why couldn’t this clarity happen months ago?

and furthermore, i am going to be furious if my friends don’t shut the hell up and listen to ME. it is my decision and as my friend, you need to support that decision or i will have no other choice but to discontinue confiding in you. i know what your feelings are and understand them; however, i know exactly what has happened and you have only seen glimpses. you do not know all. please stop talking and start listening.

if this is a new year, why can’t we have new perspective?

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i feel so small

December 29, 2008 at 4:12 pm (Uncategorized)

and here is a barrage of self-pity and self-loathing.

while i understand that you can and should be selfish, the irresponsibility i have exercised with someone else’s emotions is reprehensible. because i am hurting, it’s ok for someone else to hurt? even if i make it right, the scars will remain and this is my fault and lies on my guilty conscience.

i am currently confused. i know where i stand on the issue of another man.

however, as far as my “ex” goes, i have no idea what to do. his moment of clarity has come 2 months later than i needed. is this revelation enough to save it? or is it simply enough to break me further? he loves me, he wants to be with me, i am the one for him, he needs me. is it enough? or is it just inconvenient and too little too late?

i love him. i do. but i don’t know if that love is enough to save all of this. i don’t know if it is enough to fix all these hurts and all these problems.

it’s time to go have that tough conversation. i am dreadng it and my stomach feels that discomfort.

as for “the love of my life”……..i have no idea.

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trop l’espoir

November 15, 2008 at 4:36 pm (Uncategorized)

if the choice is between a bad relationship and being single, i choose my singlehood. i choose my freedom to create my own happiness without having to depend on anyone else. i choose the opportunity to worry about my own future without having to support someone else’s.

while i may not have a direct answer, i know what mine is. no. no more.

you could have been the one, but you chose not to be. i will not attempt to convince someone to be with me. i deserve better than that. you obviously are incapable of loving me the way i deserve. i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

you may love me, but your ability to save this relationship is non-existent.

the end.

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a fine predicament

October 19, 2008 at 2:42 am (Uncategorized)

my heart and my head simply do not agree. one says ‘you are worth more than this. don’t waste your time forever waiting.’ the other says ‘you love him and you know he loves you. you know there is a future if you can get through this rough patch. wait.’

my faith has wavered. no matter how much i will deny it, i am not sure what is going to happen any more. i keep giving and giving and talking and saying. and i have no idea where he stands. he won’t even say he loves me any more.

and in my heart, i know he loves and i know he wants to be with me. but my head says you cannot wait this out. you can’t convince him.

i don’t know what to do any more. i don’t if staying is helping or hurting. i don’t know if leaving will make him realize that he needs me or he doesn’t.  i have simply lost my true north.

what do i do?

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the house wins

October 6, 2008 at 2:42 am (Uncategorized)

i fold.

i deserve my mister darcy and i have decided to settle for nothing less. my life needs to be about making me happy. i don’t need to spend my days thinking about someone else’s happiness.

he is leading me on and i am sick of the game. you either love me or you don’t. you either want me or you don’t. i make you happy or i can’t. i am not playing anymore. this isn’t a game of chicken.

when you find your soulmate, they won’t need any convincing.  i guess this one, despite all the hope, just wasn’t it.

i’ll find him.

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delusional romance

September 12, 2008 at 2:21 am (Uncategorized)

there comes a time in every relationship where you ask yourself….way too many questions?

is he worth this? it this real love? what happens now? does it have a future? why?

my entire relationship is so completely fucked up and i don’t even understand why. my boyfriend/non-boyfriend is so completely self consumed that he cannot think to share his life with another person. excuses upon excuses to NOT be in a relationship.

and my question is: is this relationship worth this constant questioning?

i am offering so much. someone to love and care for. someone to come home to. someone that supports you, no questions asked. a family. a future. a life.

is this made-up future i have so much faith in, even a possibility?

am i not enough for him? not enough of a reason to share his life with someone?

i am offering the world. my heart is on the table and it’s too late to pull it off.

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excuse me?

September 10, 2008 at 1:09 am (Uncategorized)

the old saying goes that, when we get to the real(er) world, we have to grow up.  when did people stop growing up?

my roommate is one of the most passive aggressive, full of shit people i know. she can go from being sweet as pie one to day, to being a raging bitch and claiming not to be the next. refusing to acknowledge my greeting, refusing to issue her own. shutting herself up in her room and slamming kitchen cabinets. she shut my cat in my room for no good reason.

my question is: what the fuck is her problem and why doesn’t she grow the fuck up?

until she tells me she has a motherfucking problem, i am going to go on doing whatever the fuck i want to. i pay the bills. i will do whatever the hell i want in my home and my room. i will play with my cat, i will watch tv, i will cook, i will have sex with my boyfriend.

this is bullshit. grow up. we stopped the passive aggressive in high school.

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time to grow up?

August 24, 2008 at 1:01 am (Uncategorized)

we grow up under the wing of our parents. we respect, love, and listen to them. but as we grow older and find our own identities, we begin to realize that the sage wisdom we had so long trusted in, may not be the path we had wanted.

families are frustrating. people who don’t have a frustrating family, frustrate the rest of us normal people.

my family is frustrating. my youngest sister has only recently discovered maturity. my middle sister is still working on being kind to the people she’s related to. my brother floats in and out, sometimes there, sometimes not. my father can be the coolest guy you know, or the enemy you never want. my mother is sometimes understanding and sometimes rude and closeminded. i am too quiet and on occasion make up for my mousy dismeanor by way of sarcasm. my family is frustrating.

one of the most frustrating things any family does is judge the person you’re dating. my family NEVER thinks anyone is good enough for me and i cannot honestly think of one boyfriend they have ever liked. this constant dispproval affects my relationships in ways they do not understand. currently, my father hates my boyfriend and my mother never really thought he’d be around that long. rebound guy, no need to make the effort. they were wrong. he is still here and i want him to stay. it’s no romeo and juliet family feud, but my family’s uncalled for negative view of my boyfriend is a constant strain on my relationship. he has tried his hardest to make nice, but they manage to shoot him down every time.

i think my boyfriend is amazing. he makes my life happier, he makes me smile and laugh. he treats me well. he is a good man. my family has no rhyme or reason to continue in this fashion.

this is one of the easiest ways to hurt me. trust in my judgment. he is the person i choose. by actively disliking him, all my parents are doing is showing their disrespect for my judgment.

this is the person that i love, whom i feel lucky to have found. my family can either support my decision or refrain from speaking.

who is in my corner?

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seriously?

June 19, 2008 at 1:25 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , )

“Voting against Senator Obama is not about gender solidarity. It is an act of white racial bonding.”-Tim Wise

Oh yea…..refusing to vote for a candidate you do not support is TOTALLY a restating of our ivory-skinned pride. Is he joking? That is ridiculous.

This election is not about race, no matter how hard the media tries to make it a racial issue. This election is not about gender. It is not about a historical candidacy. This election is about saving a broken country, and finding the right person to do it. For 8 years, we have been feeding on lies and threats. This country is destroyed because of all of these lies.

The right candidate will unite this country. They will be truthful and brutally honest with a people that need some tough love. They will stop a losing battle against terrorism. They will restructure our taxes and begin to fix the economy. They will protect the rights of women. They will protect the rights of homosexuals.

Are the 2 major candidates what I want? Not exactly. Did I support Hillary Clinton? Yes. Will I now throw my support to John McCain? Never. I am not nearly that stupid or stubborn. While I am disappointed by the way the primary process has gone, I know that the end-goal is not Hillary at all costs. That ship has sailed. Perhaps another time a female will battle her way to the White House. But that time is not now. Do I believe that Barack Obama is the perfect candidate, the perfect person to fix us? No. But I believe he will get there. And I believe he is smart enough to try.

Birds of a feather, flock together.

Democrats, stick together.

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a death in the family

June 19, 2008 at 2:29 am (Uncategorized)

when you see that, what do you think of?

automatically, your mind will probably jump to mother, father, sister, brother.

but why not dog, cat?

my cat passed away two weeks ago. she was my family. she was my baby. she was there when i got home and she cuddled next to me while i slept. i miss her terribly and i am not sure what i ever did without her.

the governing principle of mourning seems to be that when you can talk it about, you are finally able to understand it. so, i suppose the best thing i can do for myself is say how i feel about it and just talk about it.

i adopted my cat, dot, last august. she showed up at my ex-boyfriend’s house and didn’t seem to want to leave. from the beginning, she would rather have had affection than food. dot would ignore the food we gave her and simply rub on our hands and legs. i couldn’t resist her. she was skinny and dirty and undeniably adorable. i got her the shots and medicine she needed and moved her down to akron. all the love and extra food she was given got a little weight on her. she greeted me at the door when i got home. as soon as i got into bed, dot would hop right up into her place: in the crook of my arm. she slept there all night.

3 weeks ago dot got sick. she started losing weight and wasn’t acting like herself. i switched her food, babied her and thought she was fine. i was gone for a day. lindsay got home to a sick cat. she rushed her to the emergency hospital. i got back as quickly as i could. the doctors told me she was in kidney failure.

she spent 2 days there and then got taken to a regular vet. he checked her teeth and eyes and told me was about 10 years old. there was no way we could save her kidneys. dot got some more iv fluids and came home with me for a few days. slept in my arm, sat next to me watching tv.

true to form, dot purred at her last appointment.

why is it that people show no respect to me when i say this? my cat died. a family member died. my baby died and i couldn’t help her.  pets are our family members.

i slept for the first time alone in my apartment last night. i have been avoiding this for weeks. sleeping at seth’s, retreating to lakewood. and i was so upset that i bundled up blankets and stuffed them in the crook of my arm.

i miss dot terribly.

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